Five Things Other Than Footy To Talk About This Weekend

As the Foo Fighters famously said, “I’ve got another confession to make.” And this confession, in this country, is especially grievous. Here goes:

I don’t really care about footy.

Phew. Feels good to get it off my chest. Now I can move on.

If there are any of you like me out there (unlikely), you will find that around the time that is commonly referred to as ‘finals season’, you’ll have no chance to discuss anything other than a couple of sweaty dudes banging up against each other.

But, never fear! This list will be your survival guide of conversation during the next couple of days. Here are five things to talk about, other than footy.

A conversation.

1. Weather

A no-brainer. It’s the go-to conversation starter for any awkward conversation or lengthy Eftpos transaction with the local barista.

“Geez, it’s getting hotter every day haha!”

Yes, Clayton. That’s because of seasons. They happen every year. Let’s hope they keep happening.

2. Fruit Dangers

Doesn’t need a description really. You know the thing I’m talking about. The only scandal apparently more outrageous than some guy called Billy not using his hands to aggressively hug another guy is needles in strawberries. It’s just un-Australian.

3. Australian Politics

The best part about this is that, just like the footy, you can bring up live news feeds of the current prime minister. Refresh the page and boom! We’ve got a new one. At this rate, it could be Hanson one week and Di Natale the next. What a thrill.

I am also concerned.

4. Woodwork

“Renovations.”

“DIY.”

“Power tools.”

All words I’m unfamiliar with. But the fellas care. Just throw these phrases around loosely during happy hour and you’re sure to catch some bites.

5. Beer

Watching the footy at the pub is about as Australian as it can get. Why not discuss your surroundings?

“Oi have you tried that new pale ale on tap? Good, ayy?”

“Yeah but she’s no Milton Mango!”

Why do you insist on drinking beers you know taste bad? Why do you obsess over the outcome of a sporting match you have literally no control over? These are two questions I fear I will never get an answer to. Maybe it’s just who we are.